welllll i bought an iphone, from which i am posting now. the only thing so far that i hate is that billy used to save all these adorable sweet messages to the "drafts" section of my phone and of course i had to lose all those. lmao i cried in the at&t store, what. anyway i do like it, and i'll definitely be able to read/ comment more often, but i definitely need to install some sort of posting app for making actual entries because this uh sucks.

anyway i hope you all are doing well <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1zaX91p14w

lmao WHAT. sometimes you watch the news in detroit and you think that maybe somebody's just going to jump out at the end and yell JUST KIDDING NOTHING COULD REALLY BE THIS FUCKED UP

UM OKAY oh my FUCKING god i just want to DO BRUCE GREENWOOD UNTIL ONE OF US DIES, WHEN I GET DONE WITH HIM THAT WOOD'S NOT GOING TO BE GREEN ANYMORE

in other news

I start my job on Wednesday, that should be nice. I'm writing a Pike/OFC fic which is going to be lmao the opposite of nice. I've never written an OFC before and I feel um dirty. Not even, like, hot-dirty. Like, "ew what am I doing I hate myself because I can't fuck chris pike and I hate myself even more because my solution to that is just to write somebody who can" even though you guys it's not even like that. like I really think that good characterization involves fleshing out (I'LL FLESH HIM OUT NOMSAYIN) a character's important relationships and it just... idk, pike/number one weirds me out because she is not me for most of the same reasons I can't really get behind Kirk/Spock. blah blah blah "beautiful perfect sexless relationship". basically I wanted to see a "love of Pike's young life has to deal with said relationship with number one after several years between them pass but it turns out she's still the love of his old life too" fic but TURNS OUT the kink meme is not that specific if you're too much of a pussy to even anon to request (and I am, you guys I am seriously the worst at the internet ever, I am like... THE OPPOSITE of what you need to be to be good at it) so I decided to just write it myself. hopefully this doesn't turn out like the hagrid/lupin I started writing TWO YEARS AGO

"hey guys I finally finished my pike/ofc!!" "HEY CAROLINE I DON'T EVEN REALLY REMEMBER WHAT FANFICTION IS BUT UM OKAY, WE ARE ALL HAVING BABIES NOW AND LEADING REAL LIVES AND EXCLUSIVELY USE THE INTERNET FOR THINGS LIKE SPREADSHEETS AND SHIT" ":((((((("

these sentences don't even make SENSE. I'm reading over them myself and I don't even understand what half of the shit in that Pike paragraph is supposed to be. I just, can't even function anymore, I don't think.

on a serious note, I would very much appreciate any suggestions that anybody could send my way as far as ways to prevent grinding your teeth and/or clenching your jaw. I'm rocking a pretty terrible headache right now because I think I've been clenching my jaw for the last three hours, and I just noticed a little while ago. Sometimes I end up clenching so hard that it like... cramps up, and I can't release the muscles and my whole head just hurts. like now. help?

I'd also appreciate favorite recipes, I'm putting together a recipe book for next year and I want your input please!! (kelly I already have your bread recipes, and amy, I put most of the recipes you linked me last year in already. if you have more I AM SO DOWN)

unnngh why am I so turned ON by christopher PIKE, omg. I saw star trek again last night with sarah and jessica and it was seriously all I could think about ("it" being "pike: getinmegetinmegetinme").

new trek, stop WRECKING me. shit, I'd do anybody in that movie.

birthday picnic tomorrow! pictures forthcoming!! :D

lmfao so there's this can of duster on the computer desk that's been there for a while and Billy and I haven't been able to stop spraying each other with air for like three days, idk, it's fun. Anyway, I was just shooting my finger with it, and I was all, OOOH, I WONDER WHAT THIS WOULD FEEL LIKE IN MY MOUTH, and then I did it and remembered that that's called HUFFING. hahaha my mouth tastes so gross, I don't think I'd be able to do this on a regular basis and get past how my mouth tastes like ASS

anyway

I'm off to my seventh consecutive day of work, but after this I have three glorious days off and I've worked off all the money I've put into my car in the last week :D life is so good!! And I'm going to see the Star Trek movie on Friday (YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS) and I can't wait.

IIIIIII got a dreamwidth but more about that later because gdi I just don't GET IT and I don't.... ugh, never even mind. I just, will be adding people later, I guess

uh

that's it

time now: 11:08
time of chemistry final: 11:30

OH GOD, OH GOD D: D: D: D:

FUCK IT

i'm not even studying anymore. i've studied all dang weekend. i'm probably going to get like a 60% on the final, i do terribly on everything in that class, regardless of how much i study. anyway, i'm just glad it's going to be over forever (FOREVER, I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE A CHEMISTRY CLASS AGAIN AFTER THIS) in less than two hours. ugh. ugh ugh ugh

oh lord, please just let me do well on this. all i want in this class is a c. that's all i want, and i can do it with a 50% on the final. (FUCK FINALS THAT ARE 25% OF THE CLASS GRADE, SERIOUSLY. FUCK IT.)

aaaaanyway i'm out. i have to look over some ~*~rules for oxidation numbers~*~ and then come back in two hours to ask the wisest of flists what i can do with a half-completed degree, given that i fail a required chem. ugh.

edit: well I mean, that could have gone better and it could have gone worse. There were seven pages and I left the fifth page almost entirely blank. I mean, I wrote shit, but it wasn't... worth a whole lot. It was like, setting up equilibrium equations and then having no idea where to go from there. I was freaking out because the questions I left blank were all 20 point questions, so that's 60 points that I barely even attempted, but then I looked at the front of the test and um this shit is out of 220 points. PLUS, before that, we had taken a 30-minute multiple choice department final and I'd be surprised if I missed more than three questions out of thirty, and there was an extra credit question that I know I got right. So I mean, I'm not that worried. My prediction for that class is a C+ to a B-, and I mean, I kind of hate that I'm at the point where I'm celebrating a C. WHATEVER is all I have to say about that. Shit is difficult. (However I mean if there were a way to look back at registration!caroline and be like YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO PICK AN ORGO SECTION THAT ISN'T HONORS, NIGHT CLASSES OR NOT then I'm not saying I wouldn't do it.)

FUCK THIS NOISE I JUST WANT SUMMER. 4 more days omg.

Also, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.

LMFAO

WHAT

( things i want so bad it hurts and which just serve to reinforce how much money i'll never have )

I spent the better part of the last hour looking at the photos I took in Traverse City. I know I didn't talk about the good parts of that trip very much, because I had the worst day of my summer while I was up there, but the trip was largely nice. It was exactly the type of thing that makes me feel very most alive. I just went up for a week, and after my class ended I drove my car around in the sun all by myself, with no deadlines and nobody with me and I took my camera around and took pictures of whatever I thought was lovely, and I drove wherever looked the most beautiful. I remember times like that and I think that I never want a family, I never want to be tied down and kept from just taking off for weeks at a time, and I get sad that school's doing that to me. (Then I get to thinking that all the beautiful pictures aren't worth anything if I can't take them with somebody I love and I just don't know what to think anymore.)

I generally don't have very much use for Led Zeppelin (UHHH SORRY EVERYBODY EVER), but Going To California makes me so sad and happy at the same time. My bedroom at my dad's is right off the living room, and he plays it on Sunday mornings in the summer, which is the only time that I never work. About eleven I roll out of bed in my pajamas, look out the window, and wonder how it is that I came to deserve such a life. In the summer, everything is just so light all the time, and you go out on the lake at six AM and it's just flooded with light, there's light everywhere and you guys, I love the night but I can't live without the sun. Sunny days on the water are when I feel most complete, and I've been living with the opposite of that for so long. I know that's just how the year is, and it's not like I feel depressed or even overly sad, it's just that winter gets old around March.

"wonder how tomorrow could ever follow today"

Yes. That's exactly it. This song is just... the sound of being home, and of loving my family, and of loving my home, and of loving my life. It makes me happy to have all of that and sad because right now it's almost two in the morning and I am alone in my apartment and I have not even spoken to my father in days and my boyfriend, who I am falling more and more in love with, what the h, just left.

"telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems"

This semester is just wearing on. I hate it. I know you're sick of hearing that but, just, GOD. In better news I think I passed the gateway this afternoon, which would make all of this academic angst a million times better. I guess tomorrow we'll see.

God, I just bought so much on amazon.com D: It was all money in gift certificates that I got for Christmas, so it's not like it was mine, but... I just don't like spending money on things, even when it's not "my own" money, when I'm broke. I don't feel that bad about it, though, it was all stuff I've been meaning to get around to buying for myself for a while.

( materialism ahoy )

The car thing ended up working out. I gave it to my sister today and she was really happy and completely surprised. I really enjoy doing nice things for people and she just looked so grateful.

uuugh well I am back at school and I sort of hate it already. ON THE ONE HAND I somehow managed to finish ALL of the homework that I wanted to finish over the last week, so I'm pretty happy with that. On the other hand, I have TWO exams (genetics and calc) on Tuesday that I feel completely unprepared for :( I can't wait for this semester to end, dropping this bio minor is the best decision I've made all year.

I don't have a whole lot else to say, I guess. I'm pretty hungry but it's too late to eat so I guess I'll just go to bed, eagerly awaiting tomorrow morning's oatmeal. most exciting life everrrr